 (Serves: Approximately 1250 People) Personnel: 1 Indian Chef 8 Kitchen Assistants 4 Spare Assistants On Standby Ingredients: 3 Large Crocodiles 1 Smoked Warthog 3000 peppers (yellow or red) Curry Powder 1/2 Ton Of Rice 1 Tree Of Bayleaves Preparation: 1.) Hammer crocs hard over their heads. 2.) Collect tears in 44 gallon drums and use for salad dressing. 3.) Indian chef instructs assistants to place crocodiles into swimming pool. Turn on steam. Use caution and make sure crocodiles are quite dead - otherwise spare assistants might be required. 4.) Boil for ten days. After seven days skin can be pulled off. This can then be used for handbags, boots etc. During the tenth day the teeth will fall out and are used for jewellry and amulettes. 5.) Cut off tail and use for croc tail soup. 6.) Surviving assistants cut crocodiles into curry cubes. 7.) Add ingredients and allow to simmer for a further two days. Curry is ready when vultures start circling above.
6-7 lb. Turkey 1 ea Fresh Iguana 1 ea Hickory plank, slightly larger than iguana 1 Tb. Cooking oil 1 tsp. Salt 2 Green Onions 1 dash Pepper 1 Tb. Fish Sauce Skin the fresh iguana and discard the skin. (Can be saved and tanned into leather.) Nail the iguana to the hickory plank, carefully stretching out. Chop the green onion fine. Heat the oil in 2 quart pot, then add the onion and the remaining ingredients. Saute, stirring, on medium heat until the sauce is done. (about 5 minutes or more). Place planked iguana in a large pot, add 4 cups of water and simmer, uncovered, on medium heat for one hour. Add the fish sauce and continue to simmer on medium heat 1 more hour. Most of the water will be absorbed by the meat and the remainder will be slightly thick--or carmelized. Be careful not to burn it. Remove the iguana from the pot carefully !! Separate the iguana from the plank, and place meat to one side. Pour the sauce from the pot over the plank. Totally discard the iguana and eat the plank ! Bon Appetite. Serve hot as a main dish, with lots of rice.  1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the diet Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't look into their eyes or if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medical purposes does not count (eg. hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka). 5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner. 6. Movie related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, candy bars and coke. 7. Cookie pieces have no calories because broken cookies cause calorie leakage. 8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something. 9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.
10. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully
belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. 1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. 2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you. 11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 12. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.   I clean the house every other day. Today is the other day! So this isn't Home Sweet Home...Adjust! Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself! If you write in the dust, please don't date it!  I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it! A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.  If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards. Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!  If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out. My next house will have no kitchen...just vending machines.  SIGNS FOUND IN THE KITCHEN 1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it! 2. Martha Stewart Doesn't live here!! 3. I'm creative, You can't expect me to be neat too! 4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust! 5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself! 6. I clean house every other day....Today is the other day! 7. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it! 8. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 11. Home Cooking- - -like Mother used to do before cigarettes and soap operas. 12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards. 14. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
15. Apology...
16. Recipe for Living...
17. With Home and Health and Happiness, 19. Gardening Forever . . . Housework Never! 20. Dull women have immaculate houses.
21. I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a
speed bump. THE PERFECT DIET This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
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